Selfish is as Selfish Does

"I think your family is very selfish." My boyfriend's statement took me by surprise. We were on the phone while, almost daily, I sat at our condo while the family was out on an excursion. If it wasn't wheelchair accessible I still insisted they go. I would stay behind. 'It's fine. I don't want you to miss out.' I say.

Don't leave me behind in this crazy world . I can't run after you!

Negative statements like the one above are rare for my long time boyfriend. He typically is above such things because realistically in the scheme of life they do not matter. Selfish today is usually forgotten ten years down the line so why waste time on anger?

'They're not selfish..I just don't want them to miss out on doing (insert activity here) because I can't. It's not there fault I'm chronically ill. I don't want to stop them.' In my mind I always saw myself, until that moment, as the 'selfish' one. My body's chronic illness has demanded they give up so much. Surely my sickness was the height of selfishness.

Silence responded more than a thousand words could explain. When they finally returned I said good-bye and since then have been pondering the thought. Is it selfish to feel hurt when I watch them step off for a hike while I wait patiently in the car? To long for a beach walk instead of a long rest? I want so much for them to enjoy life yet I feel envy they can so easily do it. Being left alone while everyone enjoys their time hurts. A lot. Not many could understand it. Yet I smile and say 'it's okay' because even though they offer to stay behind, they want to be out there too. I can't deny them so I insist no one worry. Don't give up your chance. Leave me here. I don't mind. So they do without looking back. There are times when it is merely assumed I will be unable to go. 'You won't be able to physically handle this or that.' Then I agree (because I know it is the truth) and watch them leave.

I don't know if I am selfish. Are they selfish? Resentment comes so easily to us humans. I do not want to be the cause. To be slowed down by someone, kept from what you want to do...is it selfish not to want to be the person always left behind?