Yesterday marked an achievement for me. I went swimming by myself. Typically any time I exercise I have at least one person keeping track of me, making sure I don't pass out alone. This time I wanted to go alone. When your joints hurt horribly, your chest aches, and your body seems to hate you all you want is alleviate the pain.
Instead of the standard workout I chose the warm water therapy pool. Being in there felt amazing. Yes, I had to avoid the kiddies. Honestly, they really are not supposed to be in there. The pool has a children's area along with a cold water pool. I wouldn't care if they would watch out occasionally. The pool is not tiny. You don't have to be all up in everybody else's business and kids if you want to swim laps, there is a lap pool for that. I get now why nobody who regularly makes use of the warm water therapy pool is there on a Saturday. They risk leaving the pool in need of a whole new round of PT. Physical therapy for getting brained in the physical therapy pool. It's not funny. I lied. I'm laughing right now because it is pretty funny.
(Rant concluded)
I lasted twenty minutes before realizing I needed to get out. Overstaying was going to become a serious problem. Unfortunately I was at one end of the pool with the stairs at the other. To get there meant making my way through a precarious situation of kids playing catch, swimming underwater, playing tag, and heck it was damn far away! I chose to brave the ladder way instead. This is where the problem began. My heart was racing all day and chose this time to make itself attempt to beat hard enough to exit my chest. I was exhausted. The dizziness became worse. Now it became a struggle to pull myself out of the pool.
I am to stubborn to ask for help. I was going to get up that ladder if it killed me. The worst part wasn't the struggle. Usually someone is always there to help me so I can avoid what I hate most. The staring situation. There are those who outright have their eyes glued on this odd sight whether it be fainting or a simple struggle to do what others have no issue with. I can deal with those stares. What really is hard is when they stare but pretend not to stare. The worst is when they outright stare then turn away to either talk or silently communicate with the person by them. If I glance their way they try to 'casually' hide their obvious actions. I am not an idiot. Unhealthy. Pathetic at times but not mentally deficient.
When I make it up the ladder and ever so slowly get to my chair I am not unaware of my surroundings. When I do mini therapies to help raise my blood pressure, alleviate neuropathy, and hold my chest because it hurts so bad I am not immune to your looks. If you were to ask I could explain but you don't. Words. They don't hurt because I can fight back with my own. Stares. Looking at me like a freak under glass. They hurt.
By the time I could function well enough to leave the pool to shower and get ready my sister was nearly done with her workout. As she led me out the door I caught sight of the same family blatantly staring. "How was the pool? Did I pass out?" Nah but I did tell her about the stares. She looked at me, "Why would they stare? You don't look weird." Then the truth comes out. "Well...you do...(insert stuff on health that does make me weird)."
Yes. I do have health problems. I do need help. I am normally strong enough to keep my head held high when others forget there are people like me in this world. Then come days where physically I cannot fight which bleeds into the rest of me. Today my heart hurts. It's not a physical hurt but one which cannot be solved with medications. In time it will stop aching. I will forget but I may still have moments when I feel this way. I will have to get used to it. After all, someone has to make correct use of the warm water PT pool on a Saturday morning!