Finally Able to Fly. Best Feeling in the World for a Chronically ill Gal

My brother asked me what one thing I wanted to do. Just say it and he would do his best to make it happen. I told him what I wanted more than anything, any gift this year, anything else. I want to go ice skating again. The feeling of flying for me.

I used to love skating with a passion. Took lessons, had the pure white figure skates, and even had a pretty skating outfit or two. Unfortunately figure skating is no 'after school, several times a week' hobby. To do it and do it well required hours more ice time, private coaching, and more of my life than I was willing to give. So I left the ice behind. I still loved it. Just had grown realistic over life versus dreams. 

When I became sick I started to think of skating more often. I made plans to return to my lessons as soon as I 'recovered.' There was an Olympic skating ring only a few minutes drive/15 minute walk from my university apartment. I could snag a ride or walk if need be. Then I did not get better but the dreams were always there. I would ask someone anyone to take me skating once again. Everyone always told me no. For my safety, health, doctor's warnings, etc.

My brother disregarded my family's reactions. We live on a lake, a very very frozen one at the moment. Where the wind blows hardest across the water there are always ice patches with no snow made perfectly flat for skating. I'm no idiot. My legs do not work like they used to. I will not pretend they do. Instead I pointed out to everyone we could just 'take my walker.'

Yesterday my brother carried my walker down the steep steps to the lake below. He then gave me a piggy-back ride, skates included (I had to wear a back-up pair which were black not my white ones)* onto the ice. Alright. Getting to the perfect ice 'rinks' was more than a little difficult with myself, walker, and skates. However, once we did...it was worth every step.

*When we moved a lot of things got shoved around. We have a special attic-like place which is easily accessed but finding anything has lately been difficult. Since the selling of our 'lakehouse' all the odds & ends happen to have landed pell-mell up there.

After a few minutes of 'trying it out' we moved to the largest patch in almost the middle of the lake where there was space to finally finally be free. Even with my walker I have never felt so free before. You do not need to have legs which work amazing. Just enough to push off and hold onto your walker for dear life. 

I must have looked quite strange to all the neighbors. Out there in my leggings, pea coat, grinning like mad with a runny nose and hands clenching my walker for dear life. I told him I wanted to 'skate out here forever and ever.' You do not understand what it means to be physically free until you have been a captive to your own health.

No matter how hard I try I cannot explain the feeling. Joy? Definitely. Something beyond even the happiest I can describe. No matter how hard I try to will it. Feelings will never ever beat out my health. I felt like only moments passed before I ended up sliding down holding onto my walker barely enough to keep off the ice. By the time my brother caught me I was on the verge of fainting and proceeded to do so. When I looked up to see his jacket in front of my face I knew we were done for the day.

Nothing in this world lasts forever. You cannot capture the feelings of a moment and keep them frozen like a gem to be carried around always. I will treasure those moments of 'flying' more than any gift received under the tree. More than most will get close to understanding.

7 Things This Chronically ill Week Has Taught Me

1. How do you decide what to say about another year? Can you just omit yourself from the yearly Christmas letter? I'm leaning towards trying it.

2. White Christmas has turned into a daily world of white here.

3. Sending out a Christmas letter after Christmas is okay as long as you do it before December ends.

4. You know it is winter here when people get excited to know there will be a 'heat wave' aka it will be in the mid-thirties.

5. I write the Christmas letter (in the 'tone' of my mother) so I'm making up this year's rules as I go. Everyone wants to complain but no one else wants to write it. Screw the complaints, summarize your life in a few sentences, and provide a picture before I pick one myself. 

6. Don't bother with the two-day shipping fee. It all ended up getting here the same day as the standard shipping anyway.

7. I still cannot believe it is almost 2014!

Own a Piece of this Chronically ill Gal's History

My great-aunt Ruth was filled with more life in her eighties then most people possess in a lifetime. She told me stories of her reckless times back in 'the day.' One of my favorite is how she used to sneak out of class to go to the shows downtown. Meanwhile my grandfather, who would later go on to be not only the principal but also a college president, had just started on the faculty there.* Imagine his surprise when the first faculty meeting he attended turned how to be an expulsion hearing for his own sister!

*There must have been a pretty decent age gap between the two for this to occur. I never bothered to ask but I am pretty positive it was so.

I think of her life and see her smile. My great-aunt never married, never had kids, but never lost her mischievous spirit. She was a wonderful person. Her death left a definite hole in all our family reunions.




When she died she left behind a variety of belongings. From the dancing Christmas tree of my childhood to her jewelry, they all reminded me of her. Since jewelry is my love I received a medley of hers. Some of it pure junk (I still treasure) and others hidden gems. One being this Vintage 14K Italy Yellow Gold Chain Bracelet. I do not know how she came by it. Somehow I have trouble imagining her wearing such a delicate piece which may be why it was left in near-perfect condition.

Giving it up is hard but I know she would see it as the right thing to do. Heck, she would probably hand me a drink and offer me a cigarette. In honor of how I believe she would want me to do things I am putting it up to eBay. She was a woman who loved a little bit of the element of the unknown and an auction sorts her better than a Buy It Now nicety.

If you want to own a piece this chronically ill gal's history/memories consider checking out the bracelet HERE (on eBay.com). Having someone who knows a little about the story and reason behind giving up something so precious to me makes letting go a little easier.

No Christ? No Christmas for This Chronically ill Gal

Tonight is always very special, and sad, to me. Christmas Eve is a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, our Savior. I always marvel at just how amazing it is for God to give up his only Son for a bunch of sinful losers. What love He showed to those who deserved so little of it!

I know there are atheists, those of many different religions, and agnostics (to name a few) who are reading this. Being chronically ill has taught me many things, one of the most important being 'live and let others live.' Your beliefs are your own in every way. If you have a problem with my own then for goodness sake act like the adult you are and stop reading before you embarrass yourself. Getting angry over another person's belief, making derogatory comments (especially on Christmas Eve), and acting as though life can never be enjoyed because someone has Christ in their Christmas only amuses this chronically ill gal. 

I am not going to argue with you on such a wonderful day. I will, however, advise you to do something. Think. Leave behind your anger. Go be with the ones you love. Take it from me, life is precious. You don't have to believe in Christ's love or even the words Merry Christmas to understand what I say. Our time here is a gift so this holiday season use it wisely.

Every year I hear the Christmas story. When I was younger we would have to speak each of our own parts to the people listening. I always got a large part mainly because I had a habit of being very social and no fear of public speaking. My favorite, and typical spoken passages were always from Luke 2. Usually the first several verses as shared here:

Luke 2
New International Version (NIV)
The Birth of Jesus

2 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. ² (This was the first census that took place while^[a] Quirinius was governor of Syria.) ³ And everyone went to their own town to register.⁴ So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. ⁵ He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.

  ⁶ While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, ⁷ and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹ An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰ But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. ¹¹ Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. ¹² This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”¹³ Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying¹⁴ “Glory to God in the highest heaven  and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.” 

¹⁵ When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”¹⁶ So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. ¹⁷ When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸ and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹ But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰ The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

You may wonder why I included the rest of the Christmas story. I did so because I find it one of the most beautiful sections in the New Testament. How wonderful to be able to actually experience the sight of the angels and hear their words in the midst of the night skies. I always wonder what it might have felt like to be there. To hear those words of good news and great joy. 

For me Christmas is a time to think on the wonders of faith and the beauty of the 'good news.' I am so happy to be filled with the knowledge of a Savior who has come to save us. Yet sad in also knowing He will have to die for our sins to save us. Man. What a raw deal. I cannot fathom the love it would take to die for people who would rather kill you than hear what you have to say. The more I learn about people, the more I have to marvel at His sacrifice. 

I could go on and on this Christmas Eve but alas, I have a lot to do yet today and little time before our Christmas service. So I will wish all of my readers a Very Merry Christmas and Wonderful New Year. No matter what you believe or don't believe I wish you all the very best this evening. Celebrate the precious gift of life and share your love with those around you. Don't wait for tomorrow when the words can be said today. 

Lots of Christmas love,

L.Krause

 

Nervous for Hospital Nudity? The Chronic illness Cure

I remember those first hospital visits. The ones where I got hyped up over needing my privacy and worried over what could be seen and could not when moving in my obscenely large hospital gown. Yep. Those were the days.

I'm not precisely sure when it happened. I think it might have been during the second hospital stay. When you have to get carted around via 'gait belt' (or as I say it's like a human dog leash) your view changes a bit on things like nudity. Especially when you get complimented on being able to shower independently. Ah. This would be the time when you realize you've got much bigger problems than thinking everyone is trying to get a glimpse of your 'goods.'

If it is not enough to realize your health takes priority over self-esteem issues then ask your nurse. As I asked one nurse, 'Nothing to be ashamed of because you have seen it all right?' Yes. They have seen it all so unless you have something absolutely odd (meaning like an extra arm in the middle of your left thigh) you really are not going to be anything to go home and gossip about.

 Now I feel rather liberated in the hospital. No need to make a big fuss over things on the outside. When you are sick, like I am, everyone is looking at the inside. Sorry. Not my feelings. More along the lines of organ functions and whatnot. 

All in all, it is very refreshing to be someplace where you know people are not going to be thinking, 'she obviously should not be wearing THAT with her body type.' Well. Sometimes I do get them saying so but it's usually comes from nurses when they see I have to wrap the gown around all of me for it to stay put. Those nurses mean I need some child sizes so I don't have to be wrapped up like a tortilla.

7 Things This Chronically ill Week Has Taught Me

1. When a person sees you struggling to walk and sweeps you off your feet without a second thought, never asking for a thank you, and loving you no matter how difficult life is....well. It's an indescribable feeling knowing your physical handicaps will never stop them from loving you!

Love this Art Deco 1930s Vintage Engagement Ring on Etsy.com

2. I love the Art Deco style. Actually, I've found a great fondness for engagement rings from the 1920s to 1930s. 

3. Movies like The Notebook, Titanic, and whatever else makes most girls cry have no effect on me. Shockingly it is the song, Ichiban no Takaramono, combined with Hinata's proposal which gets me misty-eyed. 

4. I now know how a dog feels when left in the car. When I wanted to go in to get dinner with my boyfriend he told me to stay in the car, offered to crack a window, and promised to be 'right back.' I was understandably a little ticked off but agreed it might not be okay to traumatize the lady working there again by keeling over.

5. I never thought I would be so happy to have a walker. Well. I am now. It makes me feel like a helluva speed demon!

6. No one ever knows what I want...mostly because I have no idea what I want. Dang it. Who gets stressed over what they should want for Christmas?

7. Today I will be leaving my non-straightened hair down. No hair-ties or fancy-dos or braids. Just how it naturally is.

Why? Because a Little Love Goes a Long Christmas Tree Way

Every year there are two trees which go up in our home. The 'went out to the middle of nowhere, nearly lost fingers in the cold, and narrowly survived another year' beautiful, completely natural tree. On it go only glass ornaments, handmade straw stars, red candles in little holders, strictly white lights, and  long ago, tinsel. This tree is the 'star' of their Christmas parties. Everyone always compliments them on having such a remarkable tree, truly one to be remembered.

Lookin' pretty good I say!

Then there is the tree no one remembers. The tree which grows a little more ragged each year with its fake needles and bendable branches. On it go all the ornaments which do not pass the strict standards necessary to be a part of the beautiful holiday tree. Ornaments like decorated candy canes, 
childhood Christmas projects, old glass bulbs and anything plastic or tacky. Over the years I have grown very fond of this tree.

I suppose if trees could sympathize then it would be with me. Every year I insist on taking it out even though I know the only person decorating it will be me. I will sit there and carefully unbend the branches, restring the lights, and pick my way through the ornaments unloved. The result is not impressive (barely my height), expensive, or wow-worthy. Just a comfortable old tree who is here this year and will hopefully be around the next. 

As I write this I get caught up in its lights. I've turned off the fireplace flames leaving the tree lights to give off a soft glow. From where I sit I find the effect to be beautiful in a different way. Perhaps it is because I know this tree was decorated out of love for the 'old days' or maybe life is simply much sweeter when you know how precious it is.

First Ever Visit to Santa Sets the Holidays Straight for a Chronically ill Gal

I met 'Santa' for the first time today. Yes. I know I am in my mid-twenties but I did not grow up with having parents who encouraged the 'Santa' idea.* Despite knowing the 'truth,' I always wanted to pay a visit to the man. Or as I told him, 'I'm at the point in my health where I am open to just about anything. Bring on the Christmas magic and if you please, could you make my holiday a healthy one?'

Sorry. No photo with my Santa but I liked the holiday look on this one!

*Actually we were informed of the truth and then immediately told not to tell everyone else our own age. I'm still amazed to this day how far parents can take the Santa belief. I knew one girl who still believed up into the double digits. Her family would do the craziest things to make it appear as though Santa with reindeer had really stopped by.

I was not sure exactly what answer to expect. After all, I was not getting my picture* with the man so technically you might consider me a waste of a time slot. Not to mention I weigh quite a bit more than the newborn who finished up before us. Despite everything the short conversation I had with this Santa fellow changed my feelings on dealing with these holidays.

*Since hitting my head I have redeveloped problems with lights again. Flashing lights, like cameras, wreak havoc on me. To much and I get so dizzy I can't stand up straight. I was already shopping in the wheelchair so we decided to inform the photographers pronto. No pictures. Nada. Unless they wanted to peel me off the floor....

Not only did the man tell me he would add me to his list of prayers (which he says now takes about an hour just to go through) he also took a moment to share something personal. For the last nine years, he has been battling Follicular Lymphoma. I could go on and on about what it is but for every one's sanity I will try to sum up Follicular Lymphoma as being a slow-growing form of blood cancer.

This man, whose been battling cancer for 9 years, was sitting there giving Christmas joy to hundreds of kids. I was completely floored. As we spoke a little more I learned the two of us shared our same passion for always staying busy and the importance of being positive over the future. When I got in my wheelchair I thanked him several times. Not because I have now gotten to meet Santa but because his strength set me straight. If he can go on battling for nine years and still dress up for hours of children prancing on him asking for gifts..well then...I can keep on smiling as well. Don't expect me to be dressing up like an elf any time soon but I will not forget what I've learned: I am so lucky to be alive! Even if my leg-brain relationship isn't working so well I have so much to be happy for!  

So I say thank you to him once again! And if he were to ever read this: I am praying for you as well. Keep up the fight because you have so much joy left to share with this world. Merry Merry Christmas to you!

Chronically ill Expedia Inspired Trip to New York City

All this snow has reminded me it is definitely going to be a beautiful white Christmas and if there is one city  I would love to visit at Christmas time, it would be New York City. So this week's chronically ill inspired answer to +Expedia 's question of 'where would you go' is off to see the lights of New York City.

I love the lights at Christmas time

Where you would find me: Outside. I love the holiday decorations, light displays, and festive mood during the Christmas season. When you are in the city it makes Christmas truly magical because you can practically feel the excitement of everyone around you. Sounds crazy but if you stop and take a moment to enjoy then I am sure you will notice it too.

Rockefeller Center Tree

My Must-See: A night visit to the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. When I was little we did visit New York but only in mid-summer. I want to experience the iconic Christmas tree in all its holiday glory. Not to mention I fully intend on getting to skate at the Rockefeller Center. Bring my walker with or someone hold onto me for dear life because I refuse to leave without fulfilling this wish on my travel bucket list.

What I Will Eat: Normally I have a good idea of what I would love to eat because of what a country leans towards. Aka for St. Lucia it was definitely fresh sea food. In New York City I would go for what is gluten-free and sounds delicious. Who knows what exactly that means? I just know it would be an adventure all its own.

Where Else? New York City has so much to see I will just have to pick my top favorites to share. Trust me. There are many many more than the ones listed here but time is of the essence as is my typing ability*:

*I used to see the Nutcracker every Christmas so of course I would definitely see the New York City Ballet's performance of The Nutcracker 
*Statue of Liberty
*As a garden lover, definitely the New York Botanical Gardens
*FAO Schwarz Store (of course)

***I do want to see the sight of Ground Zero and pay my respects to all the victims of 9/11. I am told to do so you must make tour appointments 2 (?) weeks or so in advance. In the Expedia notion of taking a trip on very short notice this would exclude the option but if I could do so then I would. 


*After my pantry 'accident' I am having a lot of trouble with screens, light, and focus so I am writing mainly without actually looking at the screen or look slightly off to the side. Doing so helps keep the vertigo from getting overwhelming.

Be Wary of Danger in the Pantry

Today was rather pathetic/funny/embarrassing. I was even feeling a little better than normal and cautiously optimistic over recovering completely from the flu. My  parents were out at some fancy holiday shindig .  Which left me with the dog and chance to get things for myself. What I needed were some tortilla chips as my  own were almost gone. I crawled up the stairs to their walk-in pantry. There they were! On the blasted top shelf requiring tip toes and delicate precision. I a almost had the bag done when I felt something fall. Since becoming chronically ill my reflexes have gotten slower and slower. I managed to tilt my head a bit before getting socked by something heavy. Really. Who puts   lb jars of honey on the edge of a top shelf??!! my head hurt horribly but I felt vindicated at seeing it smashed in from a hard floor landing. Soon after the pain eased up but I started up with the vision difficulties, odd forgetfulness, and felt all-around like a mini version of the last time my brain made hard contact with abn object. I am typing this on my reader because the lap and TV screens make me nauseous. I keep going a bit cross eyed at this screen trying to keep it in focus. As I told my returning family this has to be one of the more funny yet embarrassing moments of my chronic illness. I got my night ruined by a massive violent bottle of honey. How unlucky can one be? Best to chronically ill proof the house before I end up dropping a mixing bowl or bottle of rum on my head. What a day!

5 Reasons Why Having a Chronic illness Improves Your Gift-Giving

Since becoming chronically ill I have discovered my gift-giving has definitely improved. Gone are the days of '....I really like it....' (but actually don't). Now it's 'Got to be my favorite gift this year!.' And here's why:

1. My physical body may be moving in slow-motion but my brain is always going. All those years of getting in an amazing assortment of knowledge in a short period of time makes for a mind in need of a problem to solve. Christmas shopping fills the need and provides an excellent problem-solving exercise for my brain. 

2. I actually have time to ponder on what someone would really want. Nothing is worse than  receiving a gift knowing it was clearly a last-minute thought. I want to give a gift where people will know 'hey. I've been thinking about you through and through and through.' Not to mention gives the giver a good feeling knowing they have made someone feel loved.

3. No last-minute trips to the stores. Since my chronic illness has grown worse I am not allowed to drive.* This typically sucked completely until I realized a little detail of my Christmas experience. I hate last-minute shopping crowds and store stress. Having to actually plan a time where I have someone able to drive me helps avoid all those crazy last-minute shopping disasters.

*Trust me. I keep asking people to let me. Those naive enough to have let me behind the wheel still claim to be suffering from the trauma of it. Everyone else is just awe of them for being stupid enough to put me in the driver's seat. I can't even watch television stations which have to many conflicting movements on the screens not to mention the horrifying 3-D experience. My brain and to much movement are simply not a workable combination.

4. Appreciate the beauty of mastering online shopping. Online shopping is a beautiful beautiful Christmas must for me. Amazon & Ebay are my stores of choice. Thanks to them I have almost anything I need to purchase at my finger tips without leaving the comfort of my bed. The best part? Having your shopping come to you. No driving needed. Although you do require a family member to bring in the mail every day.

5. Giving personality to my gifts. My little sister goes rock-climbing all over. She loves the sport with a passion. I love how Walgreens is having a 40% off photo everything sale. Combine the two and you get a photo 'brag'* book filled with her picture favorites and awesome climber quotes. Surprisingly, a major pain in the patella to make but I know the effort will forever be appreciated.

*The 'brag' book is the 4x6 inch size. I have no idea what the name really has to do with bragging rights. I chose it purely because most of the pictures of hers were from friends via facebook which left them low-resolution requiring multiple per page to make them appear their best. Also, does anyone really need a coffee-table size book of themselves? I find it more than a tad weird.

What do I want for Christmas? Do Wishes Count?

I know what I want for Christmas. Everyone who knows me does. 'A new body' I say. What I mean is to be healthy like the Christmases past. To be able to drive, live on my own without anyone having to worry about my health, no more doctor visits, and...o...basically be healthier then ever.

Last time I checked Amazon does not sell wishes or new health packages. Although I am told you can purchase the 'secret to life' on Ebay. Everyone prays for my health but God does not work like a Santa Clause. Not complaining and having a positive outlook will not ensure I wake up healthy on Christmas Day.* Although there is a part of me who secretly hopes it will.

*If it were a gift then I would be healthy Christmas Eve. We have always opened presents on Christmas Eve, never Christmas Day. I think it may be the result of being told a-certain-someone did not exist.


Most of the time I am a realist. I know asking for my wish is impractical. So, in an effort to keep up the Christmas spirit, I do my best to not actually ask for it. I prefer asking what others want for Christmas instead. Gift giving is for me so much better than receiving. I love finding just the right gift and seeing the expression when I know I got it right. 

As for myself, I have no idea what 'realistic' gift I want. I am not someone who wants a lot of 'stuff.' Latest high-tech gadgets? Meh. Experience has taught me I am terrible when it comes to such gifts. I ask on a whim, receive, and enjoy for a week or two (minus my NOOK color. I use that one every day) before becoming bored. Jewelry? I am immensely picky about what I wear and picking it out myself does not make for much of a Christmas surprise. Agh. Just thinking about it gives me a migraine.

8 Things Learned This Chronically ill Week (1 more for being update lazy!)

1. Advent teas are quite interesting when you are dining solo on a combination of kettle-chips, hazelnuts, and strawberries.

2. Aforementioned tea has confirmed I have now developed amazing self-control in the area of living the gluten-free life while amidst the dangers of the holiday season. Aka bring on the Christmas cookies and enjoy them in front of me because I am a dietary master.

3.I still say life insurance is a great thing to get on me. My boyfriend finds it morbid. I see the positive. If I'm going to die after we get married then he might as well remember me by using the money on a vacation to the tropics.

4. Autopsy shows are the weirdest medley of disturbing, depressing, and utterly fascinating to me. Hence why tonight I am watching some DVR'd Dr. G.

5. The weather out here is not delightful or frightful. It's just ridiculously cold.

6. I try to keep my laughter to a minimum on certain days. Why? Bad days of costochondritis make laughing actually rather painful.

7. I'm going on a trip...I'M GOING ON A VACATION. I just realized it the other day...in a few more months I will be visiting the mysterious and beautiful land of China.

8. Everyone really enjoys our yearly Christmas letter my mother has been sending out since before I was born. "She always does such a nice job." Whenever people say so I have to laugh discretely. For the last 7(8?) years I have been writing the Christmas letter. I just write it as if it were her doing it. She has less work during the holidays and I know what family around the world will be reading about.

Life Alert. The Christmas Gift I May Need to Be Getting

I have falls. Not ones where I break my hip but the type which leave you with bruises and a feeling of mild annoyance. Normally I am pretty darn good at gauging when it is about to happen. I try to avoid any life-threatening collisions and if I happen to end up face-to-face with the wall occasionally I just claim to be inspecting the paint job.

I wish he really did do Life Alert advertisements!

Last night changed my casual response to falling. O. And the way I once viewed Life Alert advertisements with amusement. 'Help. I've fallen and can't get up!' was always a tad cheesy for me. I prefer to take my falls with a stubborn bit of pride. Lay on the floor and call for help? Not going to happen. I lay there (the dog typically takes a seat on my hand or foot) and wait. Sometimes it takes an hour or two but I am not in danger of being left there until I am molding.

Early this morning, aka a bit after midnight, I got the creative urge to paint. I typically paint sitting one-leg up and oddly crouched on a kitchen stool. If I were to attempt sitting normally on a chair with no back my blood decides to rush from my head to my feet and I keel over. I have never had a problem with managing to paint from sitting like that. Only this time something was off. I do not know precisely how it happened but my rinse glass went one way, my painting went the other, and half my paints got flooded. Normally I have no trouble reaching out to catch something but I got dizzy. When I get dizzy I have trouble gauging exactly where things are positioned (hence why I am not allowed to drive). I ended up way off my attempts to stop the accident and for one moment had this sensation of pure shock. The graceful one of the family, former figure skater, and used to falls went down spectacularly on my stool. Thank goodness for my skating training, which taught me how to fall properly, or I would have taken a strong whack to the head.

Instead I landed on my arm, the one which actually feels pain, with the rest of my left side hitting hard on our lovely wood flooring. There was pain. Worry. About my poor painting. And the slow realization I would be sporting black & blue but in no danger of any broken limbs. I pulled myself up, ironically using the stool I fell off of, and staggered around trying to fix the damages without causing more pain. Not until after the adrenaline wore off did I realize why exactly people want me to have Life Alert for situations like these.

1) My house has three floors. My place of living is on the bottom floor. There is no way possible for my parent's to hear my cries for help from the third floor. 2) Falling on the carpet is all well and good but hitting the hard floor? Not a good idea. I was lucky to have only banged up the left side of me and not my head. 3) I can't reach the phone and most of the time my cell phone is nowhere near me. How the heck am I supposed to get help? Even the dog wasn't around.I would have been laying on that floor until six in the morning!

Writing this now I am reconsidering the 'help. I've fallen and can't get up!' I can't help it when the left side of me is drilling it into my head. Blast. I hate it when everyone has made an obvious point which I now have to concede is true. Not the greatest way to start a weekend. Ah well. At least I am going to get out of this house for some Friday dinner delight!

"A Heart's a Heavy Burden" so Lighten Up with a Deep-Fryer! (says this chronically ill gal)

When it's late at night and everyone should be in bed is generally when I get the urge for something salty and fried. Being gluten-free was like a death sentence in the fryer area. I would ask...'is that gluten-free?' Get excited. Then instant buzz-kill at finding everything was all cooked in the same oil. Dang it people. Now that was just harsh even on the healthy me.

Back in the healthy days I finally got so fed up I declared, 'I'm just going to get my own freakin' deep fryer!' My parents thought this might be a brilliant Christmas gift (it was still July). Being themselves they each bought me a deep fryer. Meanwhile, I had completely forgotten about one. So when Christmas rolled around they were having a debate over which one would be best for me. I was just unaware all around.

Fast forward: Having a chronic illness means you can have restaurant quality french fries! Just get a deep fryer and tada! You are your own fast food place.  Minus the plastic booths and cheap visors. 

Tonight I am in the mood for some delicious deep fried food. I am complimenting it with a film I hold quite a fondness for. Once I got over how weird it looked that is. My favorite line happens to be 'A Heart's a Heavy Burden' said by Sophie to Howl. The animated picture is of the young Howl 'swallowing a fallen star.' Everything about the film, which I never pictured I would enjoy, are worth sharing. So I have. You can check out my review here: .http://www.squidoo.com/movie-review-of-howls-moving-castle. Sorry. No deep-fried food is included.

Swallowing a star (kinda looks a bit like vomiting though)

Chronically ill Escape? It's Just Pages Away.

Growing up I can remember exactly my feelings toward reading. There is one particular memory which describes it very well. My parents took the 'reading with your child' very seriously. I liked hearing them read. However I did not like having to read for myself. One night they whipped out this story on an elephant doing some random thing or another. I declared I did not want to read it, wanted nothing to do with reading it, and refused to.

Fresh out of the ER to my fave summer reading spot!

Perhaps it was the 'personal pan pizza' bribery to read* or long flights to Europe/painfully long hours spent traveling the U.S. via car with nothing to do which changed my mind on reading. I grew to love it and devoured everything in sight. On one trip 'out west,' we traveled via R.V. I ran out of reading material and knew precisely where my older sister kept hers. So I read my way through high school literature at around age 8. For the record, books like 'Flowers in the Attic' do not count in such a category and can be a bit traumatizing to an 8-year old. 

*For those unfamiliar with the BookIt, I think it was known as BookIt, I will explain: Pizza Hut did a special deal. If you read a certain amount of books (or was it pages?) you would eventually be able to 'earn' a personal pan pizza. I think this is how it went. Such a long time has passed  since I was able to eat Pizza Hut pizza much less earn a personal pan one I am fuzzy on the details.

I still love to read but I have joined the 'new age' of reading. I am an e-reader addict. In the early days of e-readers I was one of those who would never give up the hard copy way. Until I discovered +Barnes & Noble  had unleashed Nook Color on the world. My first thought? Now I can read scientific journals off PubMed in color! Yessss. Sealed the deal all the way. And don't compare my Nook to a Kindle. +Barnes & Noble's focus is on books. Amazon's focus is on everything and anything. I love Amazon but when it comes to my ereader I want the company who does reading best.

What a long endless tangent! If you are still here then let me share the important stuff. Nothing acts an escape from having a chronic illness as reading a good book. When I find a good book I get lost in its pages. Food? Not necessary. Sleep? What's that? If it's a truly wonderful tale then I won't be putting it down until I've devoured the very last word.

Reading is a wonderful escape. One which few appreciate. I know because at my lowest health point I could not read. My dizziness, vertigo, and double vision made it nigh impossible. I realized very quickly how reading is truly an escape. Now I make use of it on those days where I would love to be anywhere but here. 

For those looking to find an escape. Try picking up a book. One which interests you and find the chronically ill escape I do. If books scare you then simply look up something simple and try reading for once. I think you just may surprise yourself...

****Reading over this I sound like an advertisement for a chronically ill type of Reading Rainbow. For the record I did not watch much Reading Rainbow as a child. Nope. My little sister and I were die hard fans of WishBone. What do you expect when you don't have cable?

A Belated 7 Things Learned This Chronically ill Week

1. Painting is like dreaming for me. When I paint I leave behind the pains of the day for the fantasies of tomorroe.

2. Having a 20 foot Christmas tree is ridiculous. Who could decorate all that nonsense? Thank goodness for reality checks and chainsaws. Fifteen foot trees are the ideal in  this home.

3. We had a very white Thanksgiving. Thank you December for warming up a tad. Now we have a white and brown motif...

4. I miss Vegas. The city provided a welcome and enjoyable escape from the stress of the day.

5. Hope will always be a gift and a curse to me.

6. You can paint with shaking hands. Expect the results to give your work a unique flair.

7. Typing this up on my NOOK Color was much easier than anticipated.

Expedia Inspired Chronically ill Trip to St. Lucia!

 Inspired by +Expedia 's 'where would you go if you could go anywhere right now?' This week's travel destination is the perfect escape from the snows of winter. Inspired by one of my favorite nurses (who loved visiting), the choice is the beautiful paradise known as St. Lucia.

You might spot me on a beautiful beach like the one seen here

Where you would find me: Drinking a fruity drink under the shade of a beach umbrella with the sand at my feet, the sea breeze in my hair, and ocean beauty as far as I can see. If you can't find me on the beach then I am out sailing or deep sea fishing. I love the feeling of sailing. It's almost like the ocean carries away all the typical burdens and leaves you with a smile on your face and a lightened heart. As for fishing, I simply love it.

The mysterious Qualibu Caldera

My Must-See: St. Lucia's sulphur springs. Supposed folklore denotes the sulphur springs as being the place where one's soul meets death. The ominous idea is fascinating. I have been to sulphur springs but have never had quite the experience of looking into Qualibu Caldera. Peering into those murky depths will be a sight to remember. Who knows? Perhaps this is where one's soul meets death. There are many strange things in this world and natural phenomenons like the Sulphur Springs belong to the world of the unusual.

St. Lucia Rum. Enjoyed best with a beautiful island view.

What I Plan to Eat: I am of age to legally drink and hold a preference for rum. Which is why I will be joining the 'Rhythm of Rum' tours. I consider it under the category 'of what I plan to eat' as I would love to accompany it with freshly caught seafood from the coasts of St. Lucia. Preferably at a place off the beaten path and more local than touristy. Then again, it must be gluten-free which is not always possible in less-known eateries.

Zipline? Yes Please!

Where else do my travel plans lead?
*To have a swim in the Latille waterfalls
*Zipline over St. Lucia's treetops for a thrill and an amazing view
*Go on a turtle watch
*Someday..someday...do the Edmund Forest Reserve Hike

Chronically ill and Yet to Experience Black Friday

I have always wanted to experience Black Friday. Not because I hold a particular desire for any special items. For once I just want to be one of those 'slightly insane' people who waits outside a store for hours and then runs around frantically trying to outwit everyone for my 'goal.'

Most people would be amazed at my lack of experience. To understand you should know a little something about my family. They are not the type of people who see the point in braving the crazed crowds just for a bargain. Instead they prefer to relax. When we still owned a lake house (now we live on a lake) the whole family would spend Thanksgiving Day there. In the middle of nowhere. Just about as far from the crazy shopping scene as you could possibly get.

I apologize. I am not being entirely truthful about our shopping on Black Friday. We did go shopping for something: a Christmas tree. Yes. My parents are the type who insist on going to an actual tree farm to hunt through a forest of trees for the perfect one. After freezing for at least an hour they then come to an agreement which leads to someone having to saw down the blasted thing. I always volunteer. No one has ever let me anywhere near the base of a tree with a saw. And this was before I became chronically ill. Now I just refuse to go. No one ever decides on my choice of tree. So in the interest of myself I stay home in the warmth.

At least I can always enjoy the breakfast before hand. It's probably the only time all year my mother makes bacon and I do love bacon! I love it even more than the idea of experiencing Black Friday. Although that does not change my desire to go. I still plan on it. One day I will. As I say, once I have experienced it I can die happy. People roll their eyes at that. I guess I have an odd agenda on certain things.

Once I get healthy plan on seeing me freezing in a line somewhere on Black Friday. I doubt I will have a particular item in mind but the experience is the most important part. What good is life without truly experiencing it? And if Black Friday is the experience I am craving then bloody hell, I will be out there!

10 Things This Chronically ill Girl is Thankful For This Thanksgiving

1. First and foremost is having God in my life. No matter how painful a day may be He is always at my side. Without God I would have given up all the hope I hold a long time ago. Thank you always.

Stepping off into the sunset this summer

2. Family. They have never given up on me. Even when taking care of me meant literally holding me up. I am especially thankful to my little sister who always took time to take me to my classes and checked up on me without a single complaint. Also, to my older brother. He has never treated me any different. His zest for my life and knowledge keeps me hungry to learn more about this world. Last but never least is my long-time boyfriend. He held me in the ICU, put up marvelously with my sailing enthusiasms, and loves me no matter how horrible I may look.

Whether it be margaritas or hospital stays, they are always there for me

3. Friends. Most of them live halfway across the country. Despite the distance they are always ready to be there when I need them. Even when it means getting texts about a bad day at 2 in the morning.

4. My hands. God has always blessed me with creative hands. I do not need to be able to run when I can reach hope through their work.

Cole in his favorite Winter 'Apparel'

5. My dog Cole. Yes. He drives me insane occasionally with his habits but I cannot imagine a day without his presence.

6. This world's never-ending beauty. When I see beautiful photos, like those of +Margaret Tompkins and +Wasim Muklashy , I am forever reminded of how lucky I am to be here. Sometimes just seeing pictures of fall's glorious colors is enough to raise my spirits on the worst of days.

Literally carrying me inside the pyramid entryway

7. Travel. I am so lucky to have grown up in a family which loves to travel. My parents have taken me more places then most experience in a life time. No matter my physical condition they were there to take me by wheelchair. When wheelchair was impossible my brother would carry me. Even if it meant having to carry me through sand so I could experience one of the oldest pyramids in Egypt.

8. Being able to write and loving to do it. My teachers always complimented me on my writing skills. I never gave any of it a second thought. Now I am so glad I know how to write and try to always give it my all. Perhaps it is not the best but I still love doing it.

My latest manga-inspired painting

9. Oddly enough, anime. I credit anime to my attempted skills in watercolor. Without the style of anime & manga I would never have recognized my passion for painting. I also have to be thankful for those who love anime as well. Thanks to it I have met a lot of amazing people, like +Grym Thor, who enjoys Gintama more than anyone I have ever met.

10. Google+. Thanks to google+ I have gotten to meet a whole new world of interesting people. From those passionate about biology to those who love traveling as much as me I have a lot to be thankful for. Of course my thanks also includes all of my readers. Your thoughts & well wishes go a long way to giving me hope for healthier days! (O gosh. I'm sorry about the rhyme there.)

Take Life's Hint. It's Time to Become Ambidextrous

Today I had another spine-ilicious experience which did not solve the 'lack of sensation on the right side of the body (most importantly my right hand).' So I said to myself (abbreviated it for my mother) hey ho! It's time to move beyond this new hobby stuff and become ambidextrous!

Truthfully my plan extends beyond becoming ambidextrous. Once I realized I was already starting to take over right hand tasks with my left, I figured o what the heck...why not just learn to do everything the left-handed way? I'm already using my left hand for steadying my cane instead of the right and all my gestures are now left-sided. So you see, I am getting there without even having to work at it. Talk about lucky! I don't even have to think about learning how to do things left-handed. My body is already way ahead of me. 

As for the shaking...well it reappeared today for several hours and wrecked several nice sheets of my origami paper. It's always an odd experience combining the numbness with shaking. Although it does leave me with a legitimate (I  believe so) reason to make some diabetic frosting and eat it with the almonds I peeled at 1 am last night. If you are wondering about why I was peeling almonds at 1 a.m, it is a very important story. Which actually translates to: I was feeling a lot of pain, couldn't sleep, wanted some almonds but did NOT want plain almonds. Hence why I spent over an hour doing all the work before eating 2 almonds and going to bed. Rather anticlimatic but it has been a very long day. Better hope for tomorrow as always!

Hey Ho! Chronic illness Causing You to Lose a Hobby? It's a Sign to Get a New One!

I have noticed people get very very attached to their specific  hobbies. Some people can not imagine being unable to do them. They like to put in the 'I would simply die if I could not...' To all of you: It's unlikely you will die from losing your hobby. Besides, in accordance with the Surname Positive Thinking, this is actually a sign for you to expand your creativity. 

When my hands shook to much to continue with my hobbies I had a moment of 'I cannot live without doing what I love.' Then, Hey Ho! I said. This must be God's way of saying it's about time I expand my creative horizons and learn something new. Instead of being sad and crying over the loss I am going to be happy about being able to put the left side of my brain to a new use! Time to clean out the insanity known as my box of craft supplies and get on with it!


*Also, the amount of money I have in supplies for my hobby is staggering so giving it up was mind-boggling. When you cannot work there ain't no time to be buying stuff for a new hobby!


Cleaning out the box of craft supplies was an...interesting experience. My healthy self must have once had a desire to do embroidery. By embroidery I mean, went to a thrift store and bought decades old embroidery kits at fifty cents a pop. I would say a few are definitely older than myself. Most people would be discouraged but I decided 'hey ho! I can't feel my right side. Time to take up a hobby with a high potential of causing myself accidental pain I will not be able to feel.'

After several weeks of this I am slowly realizing embroidery will not be a lifelong hobby for this chronically ill gal. Although I am glad I got to test it out. Now I can finally do something with all those embroidery kits* without feeling guilty. 

*I am definitely not going to be using them completely for embroidery. There is some good stuff in those kits which is worth reusing. Also, no one in my family would really care to add an embroidered tree to the wall. Their decor would just clash with the style so using the pieces is a better idea.

 To my readers I really hope you will not give up on life if you can no longer do your hobby. Sometimes life is just telling you to try it out in a different direction. Is it fair? Nope but neither is letting yourself fall into self-pity. Your mind and body deserve more. So clean out your 'junk' and find something new to try.

7 Things Learned This Chronically ill Week

1. The 25th of November is the International Day for the elimination of violence against women. Learn more from Google's special link: http://www.unwomen.org/en/news/in-focus/end-violence-against-women and stand up for what is right. If you cannot do it for yourself then do it for those of us who have faced violence, in one form or another. It's an experience you never ever forget. No one should have to deal with the repercussions. So let's eliminate violence against women for good. With worldwide support anything is possible.

2. Quotes from others can inspire you but at the end of the day, they are simply another person's words. Your own actions are what actually matters.

I know it is 2013 but the thought is the same no matter the year.

3. One of my favorite of all musing tales: "Once a boy saw a dream. Twirling, twirling, flying, flying. So happy in his freedom. The boy believed himself to be a butterfly. But when he opened his eyes, he was no butterfly, only a mere human. Then he thought to himself: did I just dream I was a butterfly or is this a dream as well? Maybe I am but a dream that is dreamed by the butterfly." ~Haruka

4. Whenever a song gets stuck in my head I have a hard time not singing the words out loud. Evidently this gets ten times more annoying when I sing only lyrics in Japanese. Ah but Kalafina's 'Kagayaku Sora no Shijima Ni Wa' is just to enticing not to end up singing!


5. I love making origami. I also love making cards with ten-second poetry, touching (or humorous) medical sayings, and just find the humor in doing so. My family usually puts up well with my odd ideas but balked at using my latest origami love, angelfish, in a Christmas card. Evidently 'We Fish You a Merry Christmas' is not an acceptable way to share the holiday joy, even if you do happen to love the sport.

6. I am a positive person! No matter what the new medical personnel may assume. Look. I have a highly realistic view of new treatments. Not feeling the right side of my body is a debatable improvement over the shaking, not to mention the new improved tingling in all of my appendages does not inspire eh...instant confidence?!

7. I don't know where to visit this week without repeating a place I have gone. I miss the beauty of Athens, the shores of the Dead Sea, staying blocks from the Colosseum, and eating tapas in places only the locals visit in Granada.

Hey ho! At Least My Chronic illness Makes the Elderly Feel Like Spring Chickens!

Some days you need to switch the Surname Positive Thinking method to looking at your relationship with others. Like Hey ho! My chronic illness makes the elderly feel like spring chickens! Now if you think I am just making this up, let me assure you, I discovered this through a very unique 'field trip' of sorts with our church's senior citizen group.

Me using my cane as a photo prop.

Before you start wondering why on earth a twenty-something would be on a senior citizen trip, allow me to explain. There were three reasons:
      #1. They were taking a tour of the local Hindu temple. I always wanted to take a tour of the Hindu temple but would have felt awkward doing it alone. Hence, accompanying them.
      #2. I was raised around people much older than me so I feel totally comfortable spending the day with people in their 70s and 80s.
      #3. Senior citizens make lunch a priority. As a chronically ill person who is a walking pharmacy, lunch is a priority of my own. 

Our senior group ranges from 'I'm more active at 80 then you were in your twenties' to walkers to wheelchair friendly and canes are a common sight. Most of the members have known me since I was in the single digits. They have watched me grow up and my health progressively go down. I am always pleased about this as it definitely saves me from long explanations over my health.* Part of the reason the explanations are unnecessary is because they know my father who keeps them updated. I always say my father is like an iphone. He has an app for anything and everything concerning people. Need real estate help? He knows someone. Looking for a job in a medical lab? He knows someone. Etc. Etc.

*Most of them like to inform me they keep praying for me. Some people say, 'I pray for you' and others then point out 'well I pray for you every night!' I always thank them for their prayers. The more support I receive the easier each bad health day is.

As luck would have it, the local Hindu temple has a fine array of stairs to get inside. I loathe stairs. At home I crawl just to get up them. Crawling in public is not an option so I sighed (inwardly) and began the long long trek up alternating between clutching the railing and cane. This is where the 'spring chicken' aspect comes in. Even the people with canes were offering their help to get me safely up the stairs! Not only were they ascending with ease, they had energy with strength to spare! Half of them were most likely capable of carrying me up there. 

I think it did not cross my mind until later that perhaps my chronic illness was a bit of a morale booster for others.You could see it made people feel good to be able to help me out. Especially when most people are used to people my age being the ones always asking to help them out. Almost like a role reversal where I was the 'frail elderly lady' and they got to be the 'strong lively counterpart.'

Now I can look back and laugh. How strange to think my chronic illness makes people of all ages appreciate their own health. I know I definitely appreciate it. I also appreciate the kindness of people who know what it is like to need help getting up the stairs. I'm glad I could make you feel like 'spring chickens' again. If I make it to the 80s I hope I can follow in your footsteps. Until then, keep on rooting for this chronically ill gal.

If you would like to read more about 'My Cane. My Fabulous Medical Accessory.' This LINK will lead you to my squidoo writing.