In polite conversation I refer to them as 'shaking.' Others refer to them as 'tremors.' Truthfully they are just a pain in the ass. One which turns me into a grouchy hermit unwilling to interact with the world.
My shaking hands are my Achilles heel in this chronic illness. Take away my ability to walk, give me pain, make me look far to sickly, but please let my hands remain perfectly steady. My hands are what makes me the person I am.
I need them to paint, to create, to give life to the hope I hold for a healthier day. When I have a day like yesterday I cannot talk about things I've learned or trips to plan. My whole purpose is in holding together myself for the sake of everyone around me.
What else could I possibly do? Yesterday's hands were shaking so badly I could not feed myself. My boyfriend cut up the roast and finally ended up getting me a spoon when I kept dropping my fork. I cringed for myself when I kept struggling to get the food where I wanted it to go. The whole business embarrassed me to no end. No matter how much people argue otherwise, I will always be embarrassed at such a weakness.
After spilling hot tea on myself I gave up on eating. I was still hungry but the simple act of eating was just to much. Most people would cry. I think I cannot. Life's not fair. My tears will not change that and neither will feeling sorry for myself.
Today I've decided to pull myself out of my shaky 'funk' and get back to writing. So here I am. Blogging and living. Perhaps not the steady life most of the world has but still doing my best to live with what I've been given and be happy doing it.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
A Belated 7 Things This Chronically ill Week Has Taught Me
1. My favorite restaurant is awesome. Who else would put candles in my crème brulee for me to make a birthday wish?
2 If you have to shovel more than three times a day, you might as well give it up and stay home.
3. Hot apple cider with Goldshlager, Crown Royal, and cinnamon is the perfect warm-up on a cold winter evening.
4. Perfectly cooked asparagus is delicious. Poorly cooked asparagus is bad. And horribly cooked asparagus is downright nasty.
5.There's nothing like a good paperback from the 90s childhood. With titles like: 'There's a girl in my Hammerlock, Pirates Don't Wear Sunglasses, and Sideways Stories from Wayside School' you just can't go wrong.
6. Having seen this video, Free Plastic Surgery for Bullied Teen NADIA ILSE, I don't know what to say. For all it's worth, I think she was beautiful before and the doctor who suggested more plastic surgery seems like a real tool.
7. Teavana makes the most delicious Raspberry Mint loose tea.
2 If you have to shovel more than three times a day, you might as well give it up and stay home.
3. Hot apple cider with Goldshlager, Crown Royal, and cinnamon is the perfect warm-up on a cold winter evening.
4. Perfectly cooked asparagus is delicious. Poorly cooked asparagus is bad. And horribly cooked asparagus is downright nasty.
5.There's nothing like a good paperback from the 90s childhood. With titles like: 'There's a girl in my Hammerlock, Pirates Don't Wear Sunglasses, and Sideways Stories from Wayside School' you just can't go wrong.
6. Having seen this video, Free Plastic Surgery for Bullied Teen NADIA ILSE, I don't know what to say. For all it's worth, I think she was beautiful before and the doctor who suggested more plastic surgery seems like a real tool.
7. Teavana makes the most delicious Raspberry Mint loose tea.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Keepin' Chronically ill Resolution #20
Chronically ill Resolution #20 states: No longer be afraid to share all I love. I have a great deal of loves but the one I really feel needs to be shared is manga. If you're like my family you might be going...'What normal person would admit such a thing to the world? Let's just be glad she hasn't told anyone else we know.'
I'm not the comic book guy from The Simpsons. Overall I think, other than the chronic illness issue, I look pretty normal. I don't go around carrying manga and quoting facts about to random people. What I do believe is that everyone should have an open mind when it comes to reading something new.
People who don't know anything much about manga, are looking for a place to read manga, or good ideas on which mangas to read....I'm sharing my love by creating a place where you can find a little bit of all the before-mentioned. You can find it here at: http://livelifelovemanga.blogspot.com/
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Live Life. Love Manga. |
People who don't know anything much about manga, are looking for a place to read manga, or good ideas on which mangas to read....I'm sharing my love by creating a place where you can find a little bit of all the before-mentioned. You can find it here at: http://livelifelovemanga.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Hey Jealousy. You're Quite the Heart Breaker
I don't know if it was the wine, the GF contaminated food, or just 2014 being an all-around tool which led to yesterday being one of those 'could life feel any lower moments?'
When I woke up there were definite signs today was not going to be a good health day. I was shaking so hard I had trouble getting food where it needed to go and unfortunately for me, no one told me they had been making pizza with the shredded cheese.
Most people would probably have given up on any plans of leaving the house after having to pull over so they could throw back up their contaminated lunch. (This is why I have a separate kitchen! So I won't be throwing up on the side of the road because someone got a little sloppy with their gluten foods!). However, I am not most people and think my two concussions may have robbed me of some common sense.
I wanted to go visit my long-time boyfriend's new niece. Everyone has seen/held her and I wanted to do the same. Even if it meant being literally curled up in the front seat hoping the hour-long drive would ease the after-gluten effects (it didn't really). When we got there I was moving at about snail's pace and only after a bit of wine, and lots of mental 'please, please do not get sick' did I feel semi-normal.
More importantly, I did get to hold the baby. She was perfect, adorable, and quietly asleep. I did not have her in my arms for long. I worry to much about the combination of something so precious and my wreck of a body. She spent most of the time in the arms of my long-time boyfriend. He comes from a very large family so holding babies is like second-nature.
Seeing that brought home the realities I have been ignoring in our relationship.The biggest issue being children. Before being sick I never really thought about them. Kids were all well and good so long as they happened to be well-behaved and o...were not my own. On the list of things to do in life they were there because they should be. Not because I had any desire to have one any day soon.
When we left the house that evening I felt the strangest sensation. As we passed through the lights of the city it grew until I finally understood. I was jealous. More jealous than I have ever thought I could be. Not about her being a mother (I have numerous friends who are mothers) but about being able to take the role of being a mother so lightly.
There was a single tear (blast when that happens!), a few more unstoppable ones, and then I was sobbing. It's difficult to explain all the crap I was facing at the moment. Jealous because being chronically ill really is just so f***ing unfair. Angry at never having the chance to do what so many others take for granted. Devastated at the idea of never being able to properly take care of a child much less have one.Disappointed at letting myself fall into such a state over something which should not matter right now and filled with guilt over feeling so much when I should just be happy for someone else. And on and on...
If you've made it this far then I won't bore you with the details. I will tell you where our long-discussion, half a pint of ice-cream, and an alcoholic beverage has left me. In fact, I will even do it in list format to make it reader friendly.
1. It's alright to feel angry, sad, guilty, or just emotions in general about this whole crappy situation. Doing so does not make me an ungrateful negative person. Just a highly-stressed chronically ill one.
2. Being realistic is important but keeping up the hope for a healthier future is just as important. Don't count out life's possibilities so easily.
3. I want to give any child of mine the best childhood I can. No matter what excuses people might have I know I could not give them the best. Heck, I can't even do the stairs properly. Sometimes even taking a shower is an accomplishment, getting up and carrying around a screaming baby for hours? Probably not gonna happen.
4. I don't know what the future holds for us. Maybe I will wake up perfectly healthy tomorrow. I will do my best to let the worries of today not taint the hope for tomorrow. Thinking like that is harder than it sounds but worth the end result.
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| Holding a bundle of love in my arms. |
Most people would probably have given up on any plans of leaving the house after having to pull over so they could throw back up their contaminated lunch. (This is why I have a separate kitchen! So I won't be throwing up on the side of the road because someone got a little sloppy with their gluten foods!). However, I am not most people and think my two concussions may have robbed me of some common sense.
I wanted to go visit my long-time boyfriend's new niece. Everyone has seen/held her and I wanted to do the same. Even if it meant being literally curled up in the front seat hoping the hour-long drive would ease the after-gluten effects (it didn't really). When we got there I was moving at about snail's pace and only after a bit of wine, and lots of mental 'please, please do not get sick' did I feel semi-normal.
More importantly, I did get to hold the baby. She was perfect, adorable, and quietly asleep. I did not have her in my arms for long. I worry to much about the combination of something so precious and my wreck of a body. She spent most of the time in the arms of my long-time boyfriend. He comes from a very large family so holding babies is like second-nature.
Seeing that brought home the realities I have been ignoring in our relationship.The biggest issue being children. Before being sick I never really thought about them. Kids were all well and good so long as they happened to be well-behaved and o...were not my own. On the list of things to do in life they were there because they should be. Not because I had any desire to have one any day soon.
When we left the house that evening I felt the strangest sensation. As we passed through the lights of the city it grew until I finally understood. I was jealous. More jealous than I have ever thought I could be. Not about her being a mother (I have numerous friends who are mothers) but about being able to take the role of being a mother so lightly.
There was a single tear (blast when that happens!), a few more unstoppable ones, and then I was sobbing. It's difficult to explain all the crap I was facing at the moment. Jealous because being chronically ill really is just so f***ing unfair. Angry at never having the chance to do what so many others take for granted. Devastated at the idea of never being able to properly take care of a child much less have one.Disappointed at letting myself fall into such a state over something which should not matter right now and filled with guilt over feeling so much when I should just be happy for someone else. And on and on...
If you've made it this far then I won't bore you with the details. I will tell you where our long-discussion, half a pint of ice-cream, and an alcoholic beverage has left me. In fact, I will even do it in list format to make it reader friendly.
1. It's alright to feel angry, sad, guilty, or just emotions in general about this whole crappy situation. Doing so does not make me an ungrateful negative person. Just a highly-stressed chronically ill one.
2. Being realistic is important but keeping up the hope for a healthier future is just as important. Don't count out life's possibilities so easily.
3. I want to give any child of mine the best childhood I can. No matter what excuses people might have I know I could not give them the best. Heck, I can't even do the stairs properly. Sometimes even taking a shower is an accomplishment, getting up and carrying around a screaming baby for hours? Probably not gonna happen.
4. I don't know what the future holds for us. Maybe I will wake up perfectly healthy tomorrow. I will do my best to let the worries of today not taint the hope for tomorrow. Thinking like that is harder than it sounds but worth the end result.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Cold? I'm freezing my royal Rastafarian nay-nays off!
Today is a day where you must employ a little quoting from Cool Runnings and definite Surname Positive Thinking. When your chronic illness is like mine you are used to being a metaphorical 'bird in a gilded cage.' The house is nice, view is nice, but you still cannot leave unless someone helps you out. In the beginning it is a bit horrifying but you figure out ways to make do.
One of the ways I 'make do' is by going outside alone, for a personal moment of entirely fresh air with a lake view. Sometimes my family is around all day. Those days I cannot go anywhere without them hovering over me. I cannot find a moment's peace in the fresh air if everyone wants to chaperone my very steps nor if they are sitting at the windows pretending not to be watching what i do.
To get my solitude on those days I wait until everyone goes to sleep. I am a night person plus the only person I have to worry about is my younger sister. She lives on the same floor but is rarely home. When home she sleeps like the dead. Even if I get up, go outside, come back, and move her over she rarely does more than make a noise and roll over.
Today I was looking forward to a moment's peace in the winter air. The snow is perfectly white from a fresh fall and the sun is shining over the lake. If I could paint landscapes this would be a view worth capturing. Unfortunately this view also comes at the price of -40+ degrees F. Now that is cold with a capital C.
Normally I would brave the cold but I move pretty slow. By the time I got outside to my usual place to stand and see the world I would probably be on the verge of frost-bite. Then have to slowly make my way back inside would mean being out in the ridiculous cold long enough for a lecture with possible medical attention needed.
With everyone around me I fear even getting to close to the door. They might blame my sudden insanity to go outside as being a concussion residual and send me back to bed to 'rest up without doing anything.' Looks like I will only be able to appreciate the fresh air from behind the windows of my 'gilded' cage.'
To cheer myself up until the temperature gets back into the positive digits I will employ my Surname Positive Thinking. Hey ho! The negative temperatures are keeping me inside but at least I have a reason now to sip a glass of Riesling and enjoy the flames of the 'fake' fireplace!
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| So cold. You might just snap off a dread lock or two! |
To get my solitude on those days I wait until everyone goes to sleep. I am a night person plus the only person I have to worry about is my younger sister. She lives on the same floor but is rarely home. When home she sleeps like the dead. Even if I get up, go outside, come back, and move her over she rarely does more than make a noise and roll over.
Today I was looking forward to a moment's peace in the winter air. The snow is perfectly white from a fresh fall and the sun is shining over the lake. If I could paint landscapes this would be a view worth capturing. Unfortunately this view also comes at the price of -40+ degrees F. Now that is cold with a capital C.
Normally I would brave the cold but I move pretty slow. By the time I got outside to my usual place to stand and see the world I would probably be on the verge of frost-bite. Then have to slowly make my way back inside would mean being out in the ridiculous cold long enough for a lecture with possible medical attention needed.
With everyone around me I fear even getting to close to the door. They might blame my sudden insanity to go outside as being a concussion residual and send me back to bed to 'rest up without doing anything.' Looks like I will only be able to appreciate the fresh air from behind the windows of my 'gilded' cage.'
To cheer myself up until the temperature gets back into the positive digits I will employ my Surname Positive Thinking. Hey ho! The negative temperatures are keeping me inside but at least I have a reason now to sip a glass of Riesling and enjoy the flames of the 'fake' fireplace!
Saturday, January 4, 2014
24 Chronically ill Resolutions (for life not just New Year's!)
I'm choosing to make resolutions for life because honestly, I don't think I have ever managed to keep a New Year's resolution. Why not bypass the impossibly high standard and go instead with ones for life? Alright. Here they are!
1. I will complain about pain. Living with a pain on a near-daily basis means it has to be incapacitating in order for me to complain. According to my nursing sister this is a very stupid way to go through life. One should tell others about pain but then...? I'm not precisely sure what then!
2. I will attempt to give more vegetables a fair chance, including all types of squash, eggplant, and even tomatoes. We shall see how it goes.
3. I am going to remind myself to eat on a more regular basis so I can avoid lectures on my sporadic eating habits.
4. I will continue looking for a means to support myself.
5. I will look forward to the future aka meaning some where the air is fresh and the sea is close.
6. I will face the cold without complaint. Now that I feel the cold again this negative degree weather really sucks.
7. Everyday should be a day where something gets done, even if its only a few moments of worthy work.
8. I will say I love you less . Instead of saying those words I will let my actions speak for themselves.
9. I will face my fears today and not tomorrow.
10. This goes for making phone calls. I hate calling doctors but I need to do it now to avoid a disaster later.
11. I will find more to love in the mirror than to hate.
12. Compassion is a part of me. I will look for ways to share it. There must be something this chronically ill gal can do for this world!
13. I will try to understand others insecurities even when they just downright confuse me.
14. I will not let the past feelings between family stop from building worthy relationships for the future.
15. I WILL donate my hair BEFORE I leave on an international trip.
16. I will become adept at typing on my new e reader.
17. Technology will be a friend NOT a foe.
18. Love more. Think ugly thoughts less.
19. I will yell or throw things or cry to show anger. Not just smile & laugh.
20. No longer be afraid to share all I love.
21. I will paint without fear. Sometimes you need to let go of your artistic worries and go for it.
22. Accept my chronic illness as is. No matter what may happen.
23. No matter how bad my body is feeling, how impossible walking becomes, how scary the tremors look...I will get past them. Life is to short to allow my health to stop me from the friendships I treasure.
24. I will get over myself and look to God in my times of need. He is always there for me. Even when I am to stupid to remember it.
1. I will complain about pain. Living with a pain on a near-daily basis means it has to be incapacitating in order for me to complain. According to my nursing sister this is a very stupid way to go through life. One should tell others about pain but then...? I'm not precisely sure what then!2. I will attempt to give more vegetables a fair chance, including all types of squash, eggplant, and even tomatoes. We shall see how it goes.
3. I am going to remind myself to eat on a more regular basis so I can avoid lectures on my sporadic eating habits.
4. I will continue looking for a means to support myself.
5. I will look forward to the future aka meaning some where the air is fresh and the sea is close.
6. I will face the cold without complaint. Now that I feel the cold again this negative degree weather really sucks.
7. Everyday should be a day where something gets done, even if its only a few moments of worthy work.
8. I will say I love you less . Instead of saying those words I will let my actions speak for themselves.
9. I will face my fears today and not tomorrow.
10. This goes for making phone calls. I hate calling doctors but I need to do it now to avoid a disaster later.
11. I will find more to love in the mirror than to hate.
12. Compassion is a part of me. I will look for ways to share it. There must be something this chronically ill gal can do for this world!
13. I will try to understand others insecurities even when they just downright confuse me.
14. I will not let the past feelings between family stop from building worthy relationships for the future.
15. I WILL donate my hair BEFORE I leave on an international trip.
16. I will become adept at typing on my new e reader.
17. Technology will be a friend NOT a foe.
18. Love more. Think ugly thoughts less.
19. I will yell or throw things or cry to show anger. Not just smile & laugh.
20. No longer be afraid to share all I love.
21. I will paint without fear. Sometimes you need to let go of your artistic worries and go for it.
22. Accept my chronic illness as is. No matter what may happen.
23. No matter how bad my body is feeling, how impossible walking becomes, how scary the tremors look...I will get past them. Life is to short to allow my health to stop me from the friendships I treasure.
24. I will get over myself and look to God in my times of need. He is always there for me. Even when I am to stupid to remember it.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
New Year Resolution? Share Some Inspiration!
Happy 2014 my readers! What is your New Year's resolution? Share it on this post to give myself, and the world, a bit of New Year inspiration!
What is this chronically ill gal's own resolution? You will have to wait on that particular entry. I promise to post it soon. If not later today. Until then, a very happy New Year to all!
~L
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| Inspired by the world around me? Of course! |
~L
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