Hey Jealousy. You're Quite the Heart Breaker

I don't know if it was the wine, the GF contaminated food, or just 2014 being an all-around tool which led to yesterday being one of those 'could life feel any lower moments?' 

Holding a bundle of  love in my arms.

When I woke up there were definite signs today was not going to be a good health day. I was shaking so hard I had trouble getting food where it needed to go and unfortunately for me, no one told me they had been making pizza with the shredded cheese.

Most people would probably have given up on any plans of leaving the house after having to pull over so they could throw back up their contaminated lunch. (This is why I have a separate kitchen! So I won't be throwing up on the side of the road because someone got a little sloppy with their gluten foods!). However, I am not most people and think my two concussions may have robbed me of some common sense.

I wanted to go visit my long-time boyfriend's new niece. Everyone has seen/held her and I wanted to do the same. Even if it meant being literally curled up in the front seat hoping the hour-long drive would ease the after-gluten effects (it didn't really). When we got there I was moving at about snail's pace and only after a bit of wine, and lots of mental 'please, please do not get sick' did I feel semi-normal.

More importantly, I did get to hold the baby. She was perfect, adorable, and quietly asleep. I did not have her in my arms for long. I worry to much about the combination of something so precious and my wreck of a body. She spent most of the time in the arms of my long-time boyfriend. He comes from a very large family so holding babies is like second-nature.

Seeing that brought home the realities I have been ignoring in our relationship.The biggest issue being children. Before being sick I never really thought about them. Kids were all well and good so long as they happened to be well-behaved and o...were not my own. On the list of things to do in life they were there because they should be. Not because I had any desire to have one any day soon.

When we left the house that evening I felt the strangest sensation. As we passed through the lights of the city it grew until I finally understood. I was jealous. More jealous than I have ever thought I could be. Not about her being a mother (I have numerous friends who are mothers) but about being able to take the role of being a mother so lightly.

There was a single tear (blast when that happens!), a few more unstoppable ones, and then I was sobbing. It's difficult to explain all the crap I was facing at the moment. Jealous because being chronically ill really is just so f***ing unfair. Angry at never having the chance to do what so many others take for granted. Devastated at the idea of never being able to properly take care of a child much less have one.Disappointed at letting myself fall into such a state over something which should not matter right now and filled with guilt over feeling so much when I should just be happy for someone else. And on and on...


If you've made it this far then I won't bore you with the details. I will tell you where our long-discussion, half a pint of ice-cream, and an alcoholic beverage has left me. In fact, I will even do it in list format to make it reader friendly.

1. It's alright to feel angry, sad, guilty, or just emotions in general about this whole crappy situation. Doing so does not make me an ungrateful negative person. Just a highly-stressed chronically ill one.

2. Being realistic is important but keeping up the hope for a healthier future is just as important. Don't count out life's possibilities so easily.

3. I want to give any child of mine the best childhood I can. No matter what excuses people might have I know I could not give them the best. Heck, I can't even do the stairs properly. Sometimes even taking a shower is an accomplishment, getting up and carrying around a screaming baby for hours? Probably not gonna happen.

4. I don't know what the future holds for us. Maybe I will wake up perfectly healthy tomorrow. I will do my best to let the worries of today not taint the hope for tomorrow. Thinking like that is harder than it sounds but worth the end result.