Selfish is as Selfish Does

"I think your family is very selfish." My boyfriend's statement took me by surprise. We were on the phone while, almost daily, I sat at our condo while the family was out on an excursion. If it wasn't wheelchair accessible I still insisted they go. I would stay behind. 'It's fine. I don't want you to miss out.' I say.

Don't leave me behind in this crazy world . I can't run after you!

Negative statements like the one above are rare for my long time boyfriend. He typically is above such things because realistically in the scheme of life they do not matter. Selfish today is usually forgotten ten years down the line so why waste time on anger?

'They're not selfish..I just don't want them to miss out on doing (insert activity here) because I can't. It's not there fault I'm chronically ill. I don't want to stop them.' In my mind I always saw myself, until that moment, as the 'selfish' one. My body's chronic illness has demanded they give up so much. Surely my sickness was the height of selfishness.

Silence responded more than a thousand words could explain. When they finally returned I said good-bye and since then have been pondering the thought. Is it selfish to feel hurt when I watch them step off for a hike while I wait patiently in the car? To long for a beach walk instead of a long rest? I want so much for them to enjoy life yet I feel envy they can so easily do it. Being left alone while everyone enjoys their time hurts. A lot. Not many could understand it. Yet I smile and say 'it's okay' because even though they offer to stay behind, they want to be out there too. I can't deny them so I insist no one worry. Don't give up your chance. Leave me here. I don't mind. So they do without looking back. There are times when it is merely assumed I will be unable to go. 'You won't be able to physically handle this or that.' Then I agree (because I know it is the truth) and watch them leave.

I don't know if I am selfish. Are they selfish? Resentment comes so easily to us humans. I do not want to be the cause. To be slowed down by someone, kept from what you want to do...is it selfish not to want to be the person always left behind?

I Have Lead Poisoning.

Not until I began looking at my EDTA treatment side effects did it hit me...EDTA treatment is for lead poisoning.  My brain has its' on thoughts on the subject: "You are a baka! How long since you started treatments? And you just are realizing this? Idiot!"

Enjoying Shanghai without a lead poisoning care in the world.

Part of me wants to blame my slowness to acceptance on having had 2 TBI. Or I might just not have wanted to accept the idea. I had to when the pulmonologist wrote it loud and clear on my chart record. This ain't no joke! You have levels in the red. Keep up those I.V. treatments or face serious consequences! Alright. He didn't put it precisely in those words but I got the message.

The idea is surreal. Something out of those medical journals I used to read with such passion. Patient X is a female in their mid twenties undergoing EDTA treatments for four times the amount of lead deemed safe. (For the complete article pay $2.95. Pay Pal accepted). Well I hope I might be worth at least 4.95 for their troubles but I will stick to being realistic.

I will not lie. IV treatments on a weekly basis suck. Their effects are not pretty. I cannot hold a conversation without losing track of where I am going. Nor can I follow instructions or sew a straight line for two to three days afterward. Yet I find myself happy to see my neurological symptoms ever a bit better. I am no longer chasing down my utensils for a simple meal. The tremors are manageable. I did lose some feeling in my right hand but everything in life seems to have a cost for me. If I have to trade feeling for a steadier hand...then who am I to complain?

Besides, I have lead poisoning. I feel I need to remind myself of this fact. This is a reality now. I have been told my treatments have no end date. They could potentially last for years. Especially since no one knows where this mysterious lead came from. There are always ideas. People love to say, 'you were just in China!' Thank you. The trip was lovely but my lead poisoning took years not ten days to become a problem. Lead window paint? Haven't lived in a house old enough to have any. I also like to think I might have been smart enough to not go around eating paint chips for snacks. 

Do I have any advice for people with lead poisoning? Yes. Who are you and how did you get it? I almost feel like we need a facebook group: I've Got Lead Poisoning. How 'bout you? Although this would require me going on facebook which I hardly ever do. The point is: once again I remain ever the medical mystery. Only now a medical mystery + lead poisoning. Ah. Life is never boring when you are chronically ill.

7 Things This Chronically ill Life Has Taught Me

1. Sunshine brings out the best in people. Who wouldn't be smiling when there's a beautiful day to be enjoyed?

2. The weather makes no sense here. Sunny one day and cold rain the next.

3. After almost a lifetime living here I still get amazed at this ridiculous weather.

4. Being tired is a state of life right now.

5. I still got the socializing skills to bring out the best at a wedding.

6. There are legit couples who meet on eharmony and are happily married. Furthermore, there's more than one.

7. There's something about a bride which brings out their true beauty at a wedding.

A June Beginning

June first is almost over and it has been one strange day. There has been 'I think it's going to rain' clouded skies all day. Then pouring rain with sunlight mingling through. I love the rain yet I love rain with the sunshine even more. The two should not be able to exist simultaneously which makes it more amazing when they do.

Of course the rain is not always so picturesque. We took a trip to the store too find ourselves facing sheets of rain pouring down. This one guy ran out of the store with a plastic basket of food from the store. Two minutes later he came running back, got in the door, and promptly took a painful looking dive. He hopped up ('I'm okay!'), disappeared, and reappeared with his food in a grocery store bag. Then dashed out to his car again. Poor man. I don't know what the heck he was thinking.

Alas, I must be truthful about the events inside the store. We met a family friend whose daughter I was once friends with. I despise these type of meetings as it always ends up feeling like a comparison. Makes you feel a bit shit inside. I hate it. I know I don't have a 'future' like their daughter probably does. Hell, I live at home, can't drive, and spend more money on medications than most people do in a lifetime. I'm not exactly the daughter you write home about. I graduated pre-med (yay) and now live a very strange life. 

What a strange beginning to June. The weather which never fails to amaze me. And the meeting which never fails to bring me down. I don't know whether this indicates June is about to bring good or bad things to this chronically ill gal.

Treatment Pain? Hey ho! Beats Severe Itchiness!

The new I.V. treatment has been the best on side effects so far. I do get knocked out for a day or two with crippling exhaustion but it's a definite improvement over past experiences. Until this week's treatment when I developed a bad case of pain in my arm above/at the treatment site. At first I figured it was some weird 'hey. this needle pissed me off so I'm gonna let you know' memo from the body.

Give it a day or two and everything goes back to normal. Eh. Normal for me that is. Except the pain  has not decreased but increased. Almost like it's spreading deeper into the arm. I have to treat it with care as certain movements tend to increase the pain. Most people would think this is a terrible scenario. They suck at dealing with pain.

I, however, feel priviledged about it. I did say I would rather have pain then severe itchiness. The other treatment option was the one which left me scratching away like no tomorrow. I vowed to count my lucky stars (sounds like a knockoff cereal) if pain showed up over severe itchiness. No one wants to look like I did after that. I even took a picture just to show my doctor the reason why I was never ever doing anything with DMSO pills again.

So Hey ho! In keeping with the Surname Optimistic Way of Thinking: I have pain in my arm but hey ho! It's not severe itchiness all over me. Plus, the sun is shining and I finally get to see the long-time boyfriend after a very long week. Ah. Life could not be more beautiful pain or no pain.

Bahaha! O. The Childhood Thrift Store Joys That Make Chronically ill Life Amusing!

Who knew writing about something found in a local thrift store would be chosen to be shown to hundreds of visitors to the site I write at? Not me. Actually, I wrote it for a 'Quest' and also because books back in my day were so awesome. Especially ones about hospital things. Now that I've been there to many times myself I find it just hilarious to compare the truths of today versus the Curious George 'enhanced' happy version of yesteryear.

Like usual I was checking my account every several days when I discovered my featured work. Mainly from CONGRATULATIONS comments versus actually understanding I was front and center. Hey! No one ever claimed double concussions make you sharper. I feel justified in saying I was a bit slow to getting 'it.' 

Here's the site:  http://www.squidoo.com/ which features me all of today as LoTD. No idea what LoTD means? Look it up on there. If you're completely lost, here is paragraph one:

On a thrift store jaunt I was thrilled to discover a childhood favorite, Curious George Goes to the Hospital. No stranger to hospitals myself I had just been discussing how I loved this adventure. We immediately bought the book and attempted to read it to my exuberant niece. While she tottered around screeching (she’s only just discovered the joys of walking) my dad read the curious tale out loud. 

(continued at http://books.squidoo.com/curious-george-goes-to-the-hospital-best-medical-childhood-classic).

Clearly I was enjoying life way to much yesterday. Or should I say on Tuesday. Watching a 15 month old can do that to even the most miserable feeling of us. As for today: enjoy life. Go read a book. I'm off for a coffee with Bailey's (having booze with coffee makes it acceptable for early drinking so don't complain) to celebrate.

It's Been a Chronically ill While!

I wish I had an awesome reason for my absence. True. I definitely started a new treatment but that is hardly on the unusual side. According to my older brother answering "I'm going to the doctor this week" does not count as answer to 'What's new this week?' Dang. He really knows how to shoot me down. I can't claim to even have learned any new skills. The best I can say is I did do some Sculpey attempts and watched most (skipped a few) of R2 Code Geass.

The lack of excitement is not why I have not been writing though. I have had yet another rejection for my attempts at disability, had a battle over medical record nonsense, and this treatment kinda sucks. Not much to be excited over. Except today I woke up and the sun was shining for the second day in a row. It's unseasonably warm. People are already out boating on the lake. My sister got to Africa safely and my mother to Germany, also I totally got an awesome pattern for 49 cents at Goodwill.

Life can be good. Time I started getting back to that mindset. Also, I did get back into my size 00 skinnies (whoo hoo!). I just can't wear Jobst stockings with them or my poor legs complain. Ah. The difficulties of being a woman. You have to come to a compromise with your own pants.