Making a 1,000 Paper Cranes to Make My Wish Come True

One of my first paper cranes. Not very good but hopefully after a couple hundred they will definitely be improved!

     There is a Japanese belief that by making 1,000 paper cranes a person's wish will come true. Having grown to love Origami (I'm always happy to have a new hobby distraction) I have decided to make those 1,000 paper cranes. My wish is simple: to be free. Many people have told me how nice it must be to not have to work and be able to live where I do but they forget...I am not free. My illness means I am not allowed to drive so I cannot leave when I choose. On bad days I cannot even get up the stairs by myself and am completely dependent upon people for everything from meals to medication. My very day is dependent on others. Their schedules decide my doctor's appointments, if they can take me out, what I eat, and what I own. I am happy to be alive and enjoying each breath but I live in a gilded cage for which I long to be free.

  In school I felt most alive when working to accomplish a goal. I worked two jobs, took pre-med classes, and had to plan out each moment of the day to make it all count. Yet I was never happier then at those times. I loved the stress, the thrill of taking on more responsibility, and always, always planning for a successful future. Relying on others has never been my strength. I could drive, run (if I ever wanted to), work for hours & hours forgetting to even eat, and refused to look back. People made suggestions and I listened but the final decision was always my own. Graduate school? I knew where I wanted to go and my parent's arguments to stay close to home could not touch me. This was to be my future and if I wanted to succeed then I needed to go to a place where I could do that in the field I wanted. I have always been that way. Life has never been easy but I never wanted to give up what I believed to be what someone else wanted. 

I have accepted my world is longer my own but I try not to make it other's. I do not want my parents, my friends, and my boyfriend to become caretakers who have to give up their lives for me. So I do my best to not hinder their lives and disrupt them with my needs. I am not free but they are not to blame. When people apologize and awkwardly say, "I'm sorry." I answer "Don't be. It's not your fault I'm sick. So unless you did, there is no need to apologize.' Sometimes they laugh, other times they stare, and mostly they look ashamed to have given me such a pointless statement. The absolute best is when people ask "is there anything I can do for you? My answer? "You can give me twenty dollars." I have to laugh at their reaction. Hey! You asked what you could do and I could use the cash! No one has given me the cash but they have gotten the point. It's not your fault, you can't fix me, so there's no need for sorryes or sentimentals.

And now that I have gotten off a tangent (it's the late hours of the night or early early morning here so I'm rather tired) I will return to my point. I wish to be free to drive away, to travel without a wheelchair and escort, to not take medication morning, afternoon, and at night, and to live my goals. My parent's would be watching me succeed from afar and not worrying every day about what my body will be like the next one. I could be the woman my long-time boyfriend thought he would see and let me take care of him for once. No more ER visits, pain, fatigue, bad heart days, and struggling to hope for a better day. 

So I am making those paper cranes. 1,000 and dream of a wish coming true. Perhaps the time it takes will mean I find myself healthy once again or maybe I will wake up healthy like I woke up sick. I never believed in fairy tale wishes before and I know many of you do not but I am going to try. You can look at me with pity, scorn, or just disbelief. Or maybe...just maybe...you can hope for me (or pray if you do) my wish will come true. 

HelpMeHope jewelry is of my personal design to give hope by wearing jewelry showing support for conditions I struggle with on a daily basis. This bracelet's green is for support against Celiac Sprue. If you wish to purchase HelpMeHope jewelry, please visit the store on etsy.com: Help Me Hope on Etsy.com

For those read this blog, I will always add a number update so you can know I am serious about this. I started today and have a grand total of fifteen cranes. Perhaps some days I will only be able to make one but I will not stop until my 1,000 cranes are there. And if, just if, I will find a way to visit Japan and pay my respects to a little girl with a huge wish who worked so hard to make 1,000 cranes of her own. She has inspired me with her courage. Courage which reached out to others who helped finish the dream when she could no longer could.