Pain

I have lived with pain my whole life. In fact I never realized pain was something unusual for most people. The first time I realized it was years into my college experience. We were on our way to take a boat ride on a local lake for Ecology. I mentioned vaguely I suffered from migraines almost every day. My professor, who also happened to be my boss, looked amazed. "You have migraines all the time? Really?"

I suppose this must have been news for him. My life has always involved keeping quiet over pain. In my world of travel you learned very quickly to deal with the pain and move on. No one wants to listen to you whine about something which cannot be helped. I dealt with the pain by becoming Excedrin's number one customer.

Neurologists have tried their best to find cures to my excruciating migraines. One brutal experience for a nasal spray cure seemed to be a miracle. Until two hours later the migraine returned with one hell of a vengeance. Almost like it was spiting me for the stupid belief I could fool it into disappearing. We tried pills. One worked for about a month. I was migraine free for the first time ever. Life without the pain was astonishing. Too bad it only lasted a month before they returned. Less powerful but still there.

The medication was difficult on my body with the results only being half-ass I decided enough was enough. Besides, Dr. Frizzy-hair was actually a massive asshole in disguise who hurt my chronically ill case more than helped. I was quite pissed at her for a very very long few months. There are times when I wish I could have hung a sign in front of her door alerting the world she was a viper in disguise.

I have had cysts which leaked until the pain was unbearable. Dealt with migraines so severe unless an ER visit could stop them. Had one brutal kidney infection I did my best to hide until I was reduced to sobs. Life handed me pain and I have been told I have 'a very high tolerance for it.'

Those first few weeks of being chronically ill were blurred. The pain was not there...yet. Then one day it showed up like an infestation. I found myself starting a 'game.' Where will the pain be today? Sometimes it was in my back. Other times the migraines were more extreme than ever. Sometimes it was in my eyes making the light feel like it was stabbing through to my brain.

I gained a new respect for people who have conditions like fibromyalgia. How could anyone live with pain which cannot be seen to the world? I used to wish I had broken a limb so there would be a reason for such pain. Maybe it was stupidity or just hopeless thinking. I used to use pain as an escape back in the days before I truly appreciated the gift of life. There was a void inside of me which left me believing only pain could stop it. To this day I still bear numerous very ugly scars. My boyfriend claims he 'doesn't even notice them.' I do. They cannot be removed. I have tried to hide them from the world. I tried tanning. Now I know better. The only way to ensure they blend is by keeping very pale. My friends who worked in retail with me used to be astonished at my paleness. They would say 'the pale look works for you. Pale never looked good on me!' I could never bring myself to share the reason for being so pale. Life's dark secrets are best hidden from view or so I told myself.

Being chronically ill has taught me pain will never be an answer. I could cause myself pain but why bother? I live with it all over again. Life never fails to shower you with irony. I could cry, scream, rant at God for being so unfair.\

My little sister once got angry with me. "You smile, talk, and laugh then claim you are in pain! In nursing we think those people are the ones who are just asking for painkillers because they are addicts!" I told her any doctor could look in my chart. Going to the Emergency Room always has a reason. Spontaneous pneumothorax, pinched nerve leading to severe migraine, ovarian cyst leaking fluid (later got removed..ha..more pain), and severe kidney infection. Need I go on?

"What's your pain level? From 1 to 10?" She now asks me. "Compared to what precisely?" How do you measure pain when it is such a large part of your life? I just go about comparing it with other more painful situations. How can I complain when I don't know any other life?

In the days before this chronic illness nonsense I thought I deserved the pain. People don't deserve pain. Even the doctors who made my health situation worse do not deserve it. I would not wish it on any one. When I look in the mirror I do my best not to see pain. You need to keep it from your expressions, your body language, and keep quiet. Hide behind waterproof mascara. Look like the picture of healthy perfection to keep the pain a lie.

If the thought disgusts people then think of how the world reacts to those in pain. No one wants to hear it. People with pain which has no 'physical appearance' are ignored. I know all to well. Why else would I refuse to visit the ER unless I know the pain is so unbearable there must absolutely be a cause? What is this life without a little pain? Or perhaps a great deal of pain?

~Excerpt from Life in the Slow Lane