Several days ago I got a letter which denied my application for benefits. Needless to say I was pretty upset. My doctor had warned me this is typically the case for everyone when they first apply. Unfortunately it had to arrive when I am trying new treatment ideas, tired as all hell, and feeling like I got run over one to many times.
When I texted my feelings to the person I love the most I pretty much got a reply which took 'life sucks feeling into I don't think it's possible for me to live another moment like this.' Most people would cry. I just decided to sleep until I woke up and was healthy again. Um...yes. Life only works the opposite way for me. I didn't wake up healthy. Instead I woke up with a migraine, cranky, and had to go in for more medical testing. Combined with sharing my car space with a grouchy seven month old baby I would say life really really was at an all time low.
I cannot hold a job. No matter how much positive thinking I put forth I cannot overcome my health enough to succeed at holding one. This would not be such a bad feeling if I wanted to stay home and do nothing all day. Myself? I need a job to feel like a true human being. Pointing out having one would made me feel better is rather stupid and utterly depressing advice. Obviously I know this.
Instead of hearing such drivel I really wanted to hear a, "it's going to be okay and I still love you." I am a simple girl. Those words do more for me than people can understand. Eventually* I finally communicated how I felt and did get the words I needed to hear. Only then was I able to start back up on the positive focus route. Which started with making actual food at 12 a.m. because I was really starving by then.
*after spending most of the day in bed feeling awful and living off a diet of weird German peanut butter puffs & GF waffles for an entire day.
I still am not having the best of days but it beats the lows of yesterday by far. At least I am eating real food in the daylight hours and not treating human contact like it is the plague. The whole experience has taught me I need to work all the harder to find a way to make myself feel 'useful' to the world. Most of all to keep reminding myself to enjoy the life I have been given and keep on focusing on the future.
To do both I have begun a new passion. My work creates a 'tree of life' which reminds one to keep on living each day completely no matter the circumstances. The trees themselves are bonsai style because I am raising funds for a chronically ill trip to China in 2014. Yep. I may be chronically ill but I want to keep on traveling and finding new moments which make life memorable.
If you would like to own one of my 'tree of life's please visit The Tree of Life Inspiration. The link will lead you directly to my work on etsy.com. Thank you so much.
Positive Thought of the Day: Every time I see the stars shining above me I know life is worth living.
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