Chronically ill Anger. If Ya Don't Vent It. You May Just Explode!

As my illness progressed and I found out just how incompetent so many doctors of mine were I grew very angry. Fortunately, I am not a person who holds on to anger very well. I try to but end up laughing instead.* I  am definitely not saying I laughed away my feelings of anger. The first year of bad doctors, painful tests, treatments which sucked, and a growing horror at realizing this was not a dream did leave me angry. If I had not vented I might have exploded.

*If I get extremely angry, which has only happened a few times, I go into a sleep coma. This means I'm spitting mad one moment. The next thing I know I wake up and feel much better. My body just reaches a threshold. At threshold anger point my brain says 'you better lay down now. If you don't you will fall asleep on your feet. You will then look like a YouTube narcoleptic dog. Better do it.'

The image which comes to mind is of Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factor who swells up like a blueberry. I swelled up with anger. If there had been no 'dejuicing' aka venting I would have exploded. Hopefully not in blueberry flavor. I prefer pomegranate or possibly raspberry. Ah. The point is venting is one of the keys to survival.

Many people are shocked I am not angry about what has happened. They actually get angry for me. I believe it is part of showing their support. For me I say: there is no need for me to be angry if you are. Besides anger takes a lot of energy. I don't have the energy for it. I need all my energy to keep on getting through each chronically ill day.' This has been my approach for over two years. I thought I was past the angry part of my illness.

Then finding out about the damage caused by my accident brought out emotions I had no idea even still existed. At first I was in shock. Then shock gave way to anger. Neurologist #1 had said there was a finding and I know there was. I read the medical records later not thinking anything of it. The pain of knowing she thought so little of my case to investigate an oddity was dowrnright devastating. X-rays require about 2 minutes of time and can be developed in around ten minutes. The process is simple enough and she could have done it but did not care to.

I was angry about the unfairness in life. Horrified at discovering if fixing my spinal issues would mean three years of my life were wrenched from me because no one gave a damn to look close enough. Do not think I blame all of them. My cardiologist is wonderful. His job is to look at my heart. Not the spine. My actual doctor has been doing everything he can. Because of him I am not wheelchair bound. No. I truly am angry with the early doctors who fumbled and hemmed and hawed and blamed the accident as making things psychological. How stupid! What a waste!

The spinal problems are growing worse and worse and pinching more nerves and causing more issues. My prognosis is hopeful because I am young. The accident happened three years ago, the concussion two years ago, all of which is relatively not a long period of time. He was horrified at the idea of this going on for years and years. Months of treatment for three years. Can you imagine how long twenty, thirty, forty years of damage would take to fix?

For the first time in months I felt something about my illness other than my usual positive outlook. I felt rage. There were swears. Tears. If I had not been using my walker I might have been tempted to start throwing things at the walls. I think my friends were actually glad to see this side of me appear. To them it represented me actually expressing emotions they believe to be justified.  I have my own reason for not dwelling in those emotions. They can easily make a person bitter. You cannot live in the past. What happened is over and done. There is no way to change it. Griping over it and hating the people who have wronged you is no way to live.

After a few solid hours of this I finally told my friend there was a definite positive to the situation. As those who read my blog know, I discovered for the first time a waterproof mascara which held up to chronically ill standards. I really must thank CoverGirl. My friend said I amazed her. Here I was in pain, angry, life was so unfair for me, and yet there I was making her laugh! I laughed too. Life is to short to let anger and regret rule you. There were still tears that day but they have dried up now.

Venting is a part of life. So is the human need to cry every now and then. The feeling is almost refreshing like the way I feel when I finally clean out my walk-in closet and have everything perfectly arranged again. Clearing out the chaos is never fun but it feels good to be able to easily find what you need. Life has clarity. The anger is gone. The hope has returned and I will get through this somehow. I will not ignore the past but my energy is best used on hope for the future!